Don’t @ Me (Poem for my 50th Birthday)

Don’t @ Me

So listen Kid, it’s a pleasure to meet you.  Really I love people.

But I get the feeling you’re digging here. Maybe you are just like that.

You need to know what makes people’s gears run, need to fling open closet doors to find piles of femurs and skulls.

Sadly, You are late to the party – so late that you done missed cake and all.

You might find a couple crumbs, but we’ve all done burned the sugar and it’s nap time.

I was full of dark once. I was full of secrets and misconceptions.

I was stuffed with fear.  I was overfed on hatred.

And I unleashed it – on myself, on others.

I self-harmed and excoriated people with my words.

I brought it to the page and left it on the stage.

Put it all out there.

And I may have hidden away and saved it up for years sometimes.

But it found its way – through words, through music, through broken comedy and divine tragedy, through abject humanity, through blood, through tears, through skin.

It’s out there – if you want to read it – the tabloid, the horror, the ugly.

I invited it all in, danced with it, traded hurtful jokes, let it ruin me, and kicked it out of my house when I was sure I had had enough.

When you meet me now – you can dig for darkness all you want – but you won’t find it.

Is my heart hardened?  In the way diamond cuts glass – yes. Not because I am a stone, but because I am becoming a rock for others.

So bring your little pick ax, Andy Dufresne. Do your worst.

You’ll find light.  Layer upon layer of warm and safe and real and medicine and music I have not written yet.

You’ll find the best of mother, maiden and crone. You’ll find the sweetness after the bitter has all burned away.

I could say I’m a Lightworker. I could say I am the person that I needed when I was growing up.  I could sling new age terms around like a monkey lobs crap at zoo gawkers.

Instead, I’ll just be.

I’ll just shine in the way women my age do when all they have left – all they are – is light.

 

I

 

 

 

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